Honest question doe.
Do I not understand the definition of "fun" that these board game designers use? According to the worldwide infobahn, the board game Splendor "war nominiert für das Spiel des Jahres 2014 Rammstein Bratwurst Volkswagen Beetle Wolfenstein 3D," therefore, some people in some place thought this game was good or is fun. Fuck 'em.
Let me stop drinking this hatorade for one second to show you a picture.
One of the many beautiful gems that perfectly rocksonifies the feelings you have when playing this game.
What do the gems even have to do with anything? If you want to be the least shittiest player, the goal is to collect the mostest gems, then use these gems to buy various engines that in turn generates mo gems. Relevance and theme? irrelevant and irthemed. The game might as well be called "splenfork," where each resource is some form of silverware and you can buy silverware factories with your extra spoons. Or maybe "forkdor" where you do the same thing.
Another one of the many ugly rocks that remind me of this game.
Now that I've been on this splendor-shaped toilet for the past few paragraphs, I'm completely out of poo and physically am unable to shit on this game any more. The redeeming elements of this game were few and far between, but were honestly gratifying. This game is a distillation of the Engine Building game mechanic, where you gather resources that can be used to purchase resource generators, some of which are worth points. The fun of building an engine is a truly satisfying experience, as your economy represents the progress that you the player makes as a result of your previous decisions. Halfway through the game, you find yourself picking up low level cards (and victory points) for free. And just like the "missed encounters" section of craigslist, everyone loves that shit.
Look at this ugly. Also, there's an ugly rock in the background.
To kinda take a step back from the giant pile of dookie, I loved the totally radical chips that represented the gemstones. They feel SO GOOD. Like that perfectly smooth and shiny pebble that you picked up a couple weeks ago and tried to sell on etsy as "art," but it turns out that you don't know how to etsy. Nice game components are so clutch to me. The giant, uncontrollably and unintentionally destructive dice from King of Tokyo, the cute cuddly panda from Takenoko, or these kickass clay chips, these components helps immerse the player into the game world, which is a good thing duh.
Overall, this game deserves to be head-butted and sent to hell. To me, the idea of engine building is entertaining and allows for interesting strategic thinking, but should be a component of another game, not a game itself.
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