"Splendor" - more like Splenbore

Who cares.
Honest question doe.

Do I not understand the definition of "fun" that these board game designers use? According to the worldwide infobahn, the board game Splendor "war nominiert für das Spiel des Jahres 2014 Rammstein Bratwurst Volkswagen Beetle Wolfenstein 3D," therefore, some people in some place thought this game was good or is fun. Fuck 'em.

Let me stop drinking this hatorade for one second to show you a picture.

One of the many beautiful gems that perfectly rocksonifies the feelings you have when playing this game.

What do the gems even have to do with anything? If you want to be the least shittiest player, the goal is to collect the mostest gems, then use these gems to buy various engines that in turn generates mo gems. Relevance and theme? irrelevant and irthemed. The game might as well be called "splenfork," where each resource is some form of silverware and you can buy silverware factories with your extra spoons. Or maybe "forkdor" where you do the same thing.

Another one of the many ugly rocks that remind me of this game.

Now that I've been on this splendor-shaped toilet for the past few paragraphs, I'm completely out of poo and physically am unable to shit on this game any more. The redeeming elements of this game were few and far between, but were honestly gratifying. This game is a distillation of the Engine Building game mechanic, where you gather resources that can be used to purchase resource generators, some of which are worth points. The fun of building an engine is a truly satisfying experience, as your economy represents the progress that you the player makes as a result of your previous decisions. Halfway through the game, you find yourself picking up low level cards (and victory points) for free. And just like the "missed encounters" section of craigslist, everyone loves that shit.

 Look at this ugly. Also, there's an ugly rock in the background.

To kinda take a step back from the giant pile of dookie, I loved the totally radical chips that represented the gemstones. They feel SO GOOD. Like that perfectly smooth and shiny pebble that you picked up a couple weeks ago and tried to sell on etsy as "art," but it turns out that you don't know how to etsy. Nice game components are so clutch to me. The giant, uncontrollably and unintentionally destructive dice from King of Tokyo, the cute cuddly panda from Takenoko, or these kickass clay chips, these components helps immerse the player into the game world, which is a good thing duh.

Overall, this game deserves to be head-butted and sent to hell. To me, the idea of engine building is entertaining and allows for interesting strategic thinking, but should be a component of another game, not a game itself.    

"Takenoko" - the game of being fat and looking cute

Did you know that a grown adult panda
can and will punch the ever living shit out of you? Having pandas around is a common cure for constipation. This is a little known fact that I just made up.

Being a panda is something that no one has ever fantasized about. That insatiable hunger for bamboo, the whole not ever getting sex thing, and the constant desire to punch people makes it one of the least desirable animals to be. It's no wonder that pandas as a species are so tired of being alive. But, I guess for those rare occasions when you feel like living the panda life without the incessant need to punch, this is one-third of a game for you.

As everyone knows, Takenoko is the Japanese word for "Do not Take a Ko." The game puts you in old-ass Japan, where you are trying to collect one of three different sets which are depicted on cards. Panda cards are completed when your panda-stomach is full of different types of bamboo. Farmer cards encourage you to grow stalks of bamboo to some specified height, while the third set requires you to build the world to fit a certain shape. The sets may interact with each others in unique ways, since you may both complete a panda set and farmer set at the same time HOW WEIRD AND WACKY.

What is a ghost panda's favorite food? BamboooooJUST FUCKING KIDDING it's tacos

This game is all about worker placement / set collection, a combination of concepts that seems to be pretty simple to introduce multiple elements of strategic decision making. The balance of randomness from dice rolls or card draws versus what other players do is heavily shifted towards the latter. A real game involves making decisions based off what has happened before your turn. Some would argue that games where your opponents decisions bear no impact on your thought process are not really games at all. Often times in Takenoko, your opponents will nom down all the bamboo that you need to complete one of your sets, and you'll want to make like a panda and punch them until poop goes flying everywhere.

What was so good about THIS particular collection of cardboard pieces?
THE ART. HOLY BUTT SPARKLES! ITS SO GOOD. Everything from the cuteness of the box art to the cuteness of the panda token radiates cuteness beams. The art style is cohesive and fairly minimalist, but seeing this box really sucks you in and before you even realize what the hell is going on, *SHAPOWZ* you're whipping out your massive credit card and flopping it onto the table for everyone to see. Although I really enjoyed the game mechanics overall, particularly the concept of multiple semi-antagonistic gameplay elements, to me the most appealing part of the game was the art.